5:41 p.m. - 2003-07-06
Ennui
Saturday afternoon and at a total loose end. Somehow my mind goes blank at this hour although I have so many things I want to write about just before I fall asleep. Sheesh.
All I want is good company right now. Someone I can loll around in bed or on some cushions and just talk. It doesn't matter whether it's a he or a she (and if it's a 'he', I view him as 'asexual' enough without wanting to get in his pants and vice-versa. For example, Cap'n Crunch would NOT do here... :P) I want to be with someone who is a good listener, someone who understands, someone who can empathize... Pretty tall order, perhaps... but there it is.
It was Cap'n Crunch's birthday last Sunday. I don't call nor SMS him because I feel 'demeaned' and 'cheap' if I were to do so. Cannot explain the reason why but that's just how I feel. Perhaps it's because once I contact him, I have 'expectations' of what he would say in return... and when/if I don't get what I expect it disappoints me. Which is really STUPID, but there it is. So... I just DON'T. Even when he SMSes me, I don't reply. The last time he called he asked me out to lunch/tea... I just said, "What for?" and let it slide. However, last Sunday I SMSed him and wished him a happy birthday. I did it out of total sincerity because I wanted him to know that I was thinking of him on that day and I totally didn't expect any reply or response in return. Hell... it was just a simple birthday wish, for goodness sake! He replied with a simple 'Thank you'... and I left it at that.
I want to lie in dappled sunlight, amidst tangled sheets... the memory of a passionate stranger on my skin... on my lips...
*sigh*
